As I heard the click of the house lock sliding into place, I realized my pocket contained a wallet, cell phone, two wintergreen life-savers, ticket stub and absolutely no keys.

Jim had one goal in mind. To be awesome. Beer? Check. Crossbow? Check. Jerky? Check. Wallet in a shoulder holster? Check. He smoothed his hair and grimaced. Time to

The elevator doors close, there is a lurch as the box takes off then surges wildly upward and crosswise on the diagonal just like in the dream only this time incredulously real.

I didn't like driving at night but since it was an emergency I took the car keys and headed towards the shiny new BMW. I opened the door - and stepped into blinding sunshine.

Harry spoke slowly, drawing out his vowels in long strokes of increasing loudness. Carol didn't really know why he spoke to her like this. She wasn't deaf or retarded. Maybe he

Roger wanted to remain truly anonymous but his conscience pressed him so he spraypainted his confession on the church wall.As he finished he heard Father Tom's voice behind him say

One day there was someone walking and i ran up to him because his book bag was open so i stole the book bag and ran little did i notice there was my future.

Professor Bombo Ungerdunger's Inflatable Fauna (Advanced Placement) was the toughest course at the Clown College.

I grill your unadorned kielbasa with a Dick de Cocks cow dung smoked kraut." Without his mashimo, Max had no choice but to skedaddle. The troll next door had his precious orbs!

Usually it's in my nature to show self restraint, but as I looked down at the mangled remains of the homeless man, I had to laugh. "I can't believe I ate the whole thing."

The night that she finally lucidly dreamed was a strange one. After loading her mind with images of clouds, birds, and airplanes, hoping to fly, she fell asleep, only to be greeted

I'm performing at the Super Bowl half-time show tomorrow. No, I'm not famous and nobody invited me, but mark my words, I'm performing. Just watch and see.

Not a good idea. A moose in the international space station. It stood, nay floated in unity node 1. its antlers were wedged in a ventilator panel and the only Canadian astronaut

The thing about Laverne was that she had tavern battered breasts that

If recent history is a decent indicator, my day will probably go something like this: Wake up to kids fighting. Yell at them until they eat their cereal. Drive older boy to school,

I swear to God I'll pistol-whip the next guy who says "shenanigans"!

Why, when I was your age, young feller, I trudged 5 miles to school in the snow and ice. And we didn't have nothin' like them fancy computers you young 'uns have nowadays. We were

"Keep left. Arriving at jail," said the GPS. The jewel thief wasn't falling for that one again. He stuffed his stash in the glove box and navigated the city by memory. Jaywalkers

The dog wagged his tail.yelping and barking as he searched the ground with his nose

Eyes wide & unblinking. Guilless. Nose sniffing. Ears peaked.Taking in the maximum senses would allow. A receptical of the oracle we call the world. But all he learned. All he knew