Why, when I was your age, young feller, I

Why, when I was your age, young feller, I trudged 5 miles to school in the snow and ice. And we didn't have nothin' like them fancy computers you young 'uns have nowadays. We were

stuck in the classroom with only ceiling fans during roasting hot summers and sweating so much we stick to the seats. If you forgot your hat the rule was "no hat no play"

so I was wearing the only hat I had, a top hat from when I played Lincoln in the 8th grade. There I was sweating next to the girl I loved. She had a hat too.

I tried to think back to any advice my father would have given me about what to do. All I could recall was staring out the window uncomfortably. My love's hat was askance so I

kissed her on the nose and put it on straight. She tweaked my back end. We went to visit my father's grave to see if communing with him directly might help. I took a dead crow and

thinking it might cheer my father, the old straw hat I inherited from him. "grave" is a bit of a stretch. He was nailed to a stake in the field of flying monkeys.

The flying monkeys were hardly playful friends. They flew at my father, yipping and nipping at him while he cried in agony. I could only watch, unsure whether I should help him or

clap my hands with glee. Finally I decided to distract the flying monkeys with flying bananas, which I just happened to have in my pants at the time. They let go of my father and

Then the flying monkeys ate the bananas, after which they settled down and played chess. My father and I watched them and kept score, at their request. It was now past midnight!

My father didn't think to kindly of them however when the loser started eating the garden's produce after he got checkmated in a few moves. The monkey ate his last meal that night.