Do you ever hear about someone messing with the right guy? What's the ratio of right guys to wrong guys messed with? I'm just trying to feel out the odds before I go messing with

She was bubbly and plump. A little monkey-faced teenager, porky with acne and wearing glasses, tank top and cut offs. She was talking about my little ponies at the Starbucks.

Once upon a time there was a mentally retarded young boy named Tom. Tom lacked the mental capacity for common sense. For example, immediately after seeing a tomato being sliced,

My name is cat. I am the cat in the hat. I know many things. For my hat gives me infinite wisdom. Though I may be strange, I am here to solve your problems. How may I help you?

India reluctantly put down her copy of 'Ravished by the Triceratops', & picked up her phone. Uh-oh, it was playing the Rocky theme tune. "Oh, Bert, it's you," she said with a certa

A little bird with bright red feathers flew by me erratically. I held up my hand & it landed on my palm. It burst into flames leaving a little pile of golden ash. I ate the ash.

My dear Matilda, I write this romantic suicide note with the most melancholic of intentions. I gingerly clutch this quill when I could use my Ipad. But my love is too wide and

Mormons knocked on the door. Mom-mom said, "You, go talk to them. Pop'll sneak around behind 'em with a slingshot." I begged, "Make me not your sacrificial lamb," and hid under

"She's fresh with something." Said, Earl. He gave me that Earl wink. That was fine, but it sent a shiver down my spine because he was holding an ulcerated utter when he said it.

Vlastomil Ruparkhin came back into focus. "Thought you had left the room!" Greta Merton quipped. "Oh, I'm still out there, but maybe I should don some pagan carp for their sake."

...a combination shredder alarm clock. Just place place a high-denomination currency in the top and set the alarm. If one doesn't awake, the blades will

Hey, kids it's me, I bet you thought that I was dead! But when I fell over I just broke my leg and got a hemorrhage in my head! Ha-ha-ha!

He had to get the boy to the coast. To keep the torch lit, the torch inside. He pushed his son along deserted highways in a broken ice cream vending cart. They never ate dessert.

In all my years, I don't recall any good thing ever happening to me. I sold all of my happy memories for an express flight back to Earth. It wasn't easy. The blue-skinned girl said

Beryl needed more drama in her life. As a meteorologist, she was fed up with saying there'd be winds 'from the North' that'd be 'cold'. "It's a POLAR VORTEX!" she yelled.

Ryan, come over here and look at the screen... It's the damnedest thing... I delete this piece here... and *poof!* Delaware's gone.

John was nervous about his audience with the pope, but he was sure he could convince him to sponsor Pabst Blue Ribbon. Why not pop a tall boy during mass instead of serving wine?

Once upon a time there was a Princess, named Ashley, who was banished to the evil town of Statesboro. There she attended the boarding school Georgia Southern.

The butterfly landed on the flower, it's wings threatening to sail away in the wind. But the ant, in the stamen looked up and said something really harsh. "Is it true that

It was a good day for Sarah JP Dark when she found the stash of estrogen. She took one of the syringes and pushed it in her thigh. She could almost feel them growing in her