I have a hard time distinguishing needs and wants. I needed to prove something to Sherry, so I ate a whole box of brown sugar. Now I am

She was there when Big Willie won the Pulitzer. She stuck with him when he lost it all. But Big Willie was a horse and she was crazy.

Kasey had this great idea for a restaurant - the International Space Station would release cows into the atmosphere and the heat of reentry would cook them to tender perfection.

"I said 'Sixteen metric tonnes of quadrotriticale', you moron" slurred the Vulcan into the communicator. "And I better get it tomorrow, or I'm introducing a Tribble to your

After her first turducken, Emily was a woman obsessed. Suddenly, every meal had to include some poor animal crammed into another. She started small at first, stuffing field mice

I don't know. I honestly don't. I guess I just snapped or something. Apparently, yesterday, in some sort of fugue state I'd

Koko the talking gorilla was starting to understand "You keep feeding fruit to Koko when Koko answer your question. Koko want take own fruit! Koko also want partner, Koko feel very

Let me see if I can phrase this better. "Vertical Line, forward-slash, vertical line, space, circle." Can you take a hint? Morse code: dah-dit dah-dah-dah. Got it?

It was in the days of junkfood prohibition. Ed was crossing the canadian border with a duffle full of twinkies. A risky stage was the

In an unfortunate twist of fate, before he died, Dr. Spock mind-melded with Sybil.

Try to look on the bright side. For example, whenever I get an infection, I don't get upset. I just look at it as another opportunity to fill my jar of pus.

A moose once bit my sister.

It all started with a fight on New Year's Eve. Who would have thought a cup of noodles had so much power? I still have 3rd-degree burns. My phace and L bowz stil hab da bern.

"Why did you pick that color?" she sighed. "It's gun metal" I said. "The color of guns and metal. It's kind of manly..." I explained. "I wanted a white wedding dress" she sobbed

I attached this roller skate to this severed triceratops head precisely for an event such as this. Why it's perfect for

Parttime Santa part time hobos Ed & Wes were drinking their way through their dept. store earnings & trading Kringle jokes. "How many snow ploughs does it take before Rudolfs nose

I'm in a couch. No lie.

The limerick is furtive and mean, You must keep her in close quarantine, Or she sneaks to the slums, And promptly becomes, Disorderly, drunk and obscene.

Beware of a petulant man with a vuvuzela

I had everything, a good life in fact. I was the most popular kid in high school, I had a caption of the cheer leading team, and I had a car. But then, I lost it all