Besides carpet burn, this is what happens when you spend it all in one place, at one time, on one woman.

I liked this balance sheet because

The wedding was more "Yakety Sax" than "Here Comes the Bride" because

Violet. Looking at the flowers and naming her unborn child after them. She wanted the child name to mean something and now it did. Unknowingly her best friend had just chosen the

Numbers float above everyone's head. The numbers count down with every passing second. They announce the time of that person's death. Ahead of me, a little girl had only 5 minutes

Toledo. Crap and Heaven. Before I bleed to death, I would like to tell my tale. It begins in a sinkhole near

Most super heroes devote their lives to fighting crime. I was different. I decided to devote myself to solving 1st world problems. People who lived in highly developed countries

"WHY ARE THERE KITTENS IN MY BATHROOM?!?"

"You don't do it like THAT you do it like THIS!" I shouted, choking back the tears. Once again I carefully rearranged the teacups in a straight line. They were fucking my day up.

I awoke bolt upright. After last night's bender, I thought I would wake up in my bed (or someone else's.) Instead, I was in front of my laptop, my hands pressed to the keyboard.

Powell Austen was a double accounting agent. That is he was a mild-mannered accountant posing as a secret agent. He checked that he wasn't followed to the park & opened his ledger.

So this "Saltine eating challenge" was all new to me. Saltines are smallish & not that intimidating, that is until there are 5 in your mouth & ur not allowed to drink anything. So

It had been nearly a year since THE EMBARASSMENT

Sunday is a happy person. She wears fancy clothes and is always smiling. She loves good food, picnics and parties and sometimes goes to church. Monday, on the other hand is sad

"Argonaut to Titan Station I, attempting emergency orbit insertion sequence to Vulcan. Apogee at...T-9 min. Artifact is transmitting in tight beam X-band. Drake here. Do you Copy?"

How to create a hoverboard: Attach 2 x GAU-8 Avenger's to a skateboard and fire gun into the ground to create lift and propulsion.

Wow, so many shipping options: Ground, air, next-day, Santa... ...Santa? It says here that he accepts payment in cookies. I'm not sure how I feel about elf labor, but at this price

I'm forty five years old,' he said 'and I've never had sex.' I looked at him again. Not because of the statement he had made but because he didn't look 45.

What's your favourite F word? There are so many f words, then why does only one come to mind? There's food, fuel, fun, fear, favourite. My favourite f word is 'food.'

"Tall chai green tea soy latte?" Shouted the barrista. The fist grabbed the cup. It exploded into a fine mist, all over everyone. Clark Kent dropped the crumpled cup. "Sorry."