Epenthesis, parataxis and zeugma were sitting at a bar when in walked hysteron proteron,

He was a distinguished gentleman, sophisticated and debonair. So when his wife named their firstborn son "Porgy," he wanted to strangle her. Porgy LeMonde grew up to become a

New York had ritz and grit. That's why he'd stayed, even living on the streets. But Jim had all but given up when the Limo stopped on his corner. He raised his sign "Will act for

Dear Landlord: It seems like ages since we last spoke. The puddle of unknown liquid that is dripping from my living room ceiling has spread now to the bedroom, right over my bed,

He knew all the words to Adele's "Rolling in the Deep" but couldn't remember who fought the War of 1812 or why, which automatically qualified him as the world's worst American

I sipped my tomato soup thoughtfully and peered out the window at the darkened street,comforted in knowing that all I held dear was ensconsed on our snug brick house on Elm Street.

Dear Santa, This Christmas I'd like a new bicycle, a warm coat, and a puppy. But I don't want you to bring them to me. Please give them to Jacob Nealy. Thank you Santa, Paul.

"But the sign DID say 'shuck em, suck em, eat em rawwww,'" Harry whined as he followed Madge out of the county jail.

One happy day I woke up full of joy and with an overwhelming sense of security and self-confidence. It was really a glorious day. Did I mention it was the best day ever?

Now look at this keyboard here. It's connected to that reanimated dead body. A German village was destroyed when I played chopsticks.

He was dressed in drag, had 8 neck tattoos and was purchasing 3 peaches, a large bottle of Popov, 2 boxes of Summer's Eve, some Cracker Jack, and a rolling pin. I said "Welcome to

I screamed like a small child, kicked the hospital walls, and barged the double doors open so hard that they almost flew off. I knew that you can't avoid death, but why does it

My Dr. is a moron. A real dolt. I'm 5-11, 260 and he prescribes me fat pills. Literally the oil from a fish with some kinda lambda 7s or some such bullroar. I laughed in his face

All I ask of you today is to listen to my story with an open mind, for this story is unconventional, and you my find it just damn' weird. It all started when

I stood up. Then I lay down. I put my arms tight against my side...and started rolling. I rolled right out Paddywack's door, down the street, down the hill and finally home.

So I was stuck watching figure skating. I was all alone with a bowl of mac and cheese. What I can't figure out is why the figure skating made me cry.

I put my girlfriend's kid on the teeter-totter and waived. Then I hit the remote control in my pocket which dropped a 10 ton sack on the teeter totter flinging the kid hundreds of

Donald Trump and Andy Rooney made sure no one was in the library. They went to the "Philosophy" aisle and embraced each other.

Forget using carnival karate,

Once upon a time, it was a dark and stormy night. It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, and I took the road less traveled. Call me Ishmael. A screaming comes across