It was my junior year in high school when the problems really started. Up until then I had been able to control my urge to mate, but when I encountered the school mascot that

It was in the days of junkfood prohibition. Ed was crossing the canadian border with a duffle full of twinkies. A risky stage was the

Roger promised his mom that he'd stop swearing. But he still had the need to. So he started substituting "nice" words for the cuss words he loved so dearly. For example, when

I rifled through the cardboard box, looking for my old toy gun. Headless barbies vaulted out of the box and something sticky met my fingers at the bottom. 'Hey, this feels like...'

Joel Hodgson regretted leaving Mystery SCience Theater 3000 because

The end of the world was approaching us so quickly, I could almost hear the screams of agony growing closer each day. It was only just recently that I discovered the screams were

Well my knitted afghan condom didn't work because

Giomo's world was unraveling. He asked, "Are we all just meat and bones, full of fictions?" Marissa petted him. "Don't be silly, darling. I have these cool augments as well!" Her

"Ball Don't Lie" was the slogan of Madame Fortuna's Magic 8-Ball Shakery & Readery. Seeing as how an 8-Ball can't knowingly tell an untruth, I couldn't disagree. Her rates were

To be listed in the Financial Times annual ranking of the percent of executive bonuses given to charity Mr Pigley would have to dig deep. Last year some top execs gave 0.01% of the

"This old man. He played one. He played Nick Nack on my thumb. With a Nick Nack paddy whack. Give the dog a bone. This old man came rolling home." Nick Nack was not amused.

Last night I found a picture from an old family photo album. It showed my family getting off the boat from Sweden to America 76 years ago, greeted by me. I was 13 when I found it.

"Well I'll be damned" swore Mr. Fitzgerald, my high-school physics teacher. "There really are a multitude of angels dancing on the head of this pin."

"Apparently Zizzi is a French slang word for penis," the camp Hermione Granger look-alike drawled matter-of-factly. The passengers on the Tube train shuffled awkwardly, their

Hello faithful blog readers. I'm going to depart from our usual political discourse today and share a parable that I think will clearly illustrate the state of our society. Bob

The two girls clung to each other digging their nails deep. Slowly they approached the shed door. The growling from within the shed grew fierce. Through the panels yellow eyes

Janie liked to eat boogers. She was ashamed of her fetish because it was taboo. At school she would fight the urge to poke her nose and enjoy a delicacy that only the weirdos do.

If you ever wake up from this nightmare tell your aunt Sandy that the

Phazon from the Mad Sea Cows of Untranquility savored the echoes of his chuckles. "Murder in the Martian Catacombs ... " He nearly shrieked again. Upon the obsidian tiles lay

YOU are beyond words. What goes on in your mind to make you say such things? Do you have tapeworms in your brain? Or are you a tapeworm yourself? I'm DONE. Don't call me again.