The cat drools when you pet it.

It was the first day back to school after a two week holiday break...

The black cat was a poor substitute for a broom or a wand, but you worked with what you had. A few magic words and a good lob later, the cat was doing the work of a fireball.

I once had an awesome SNOW GLOBE! Then I lost it.

Flipping through the channels he froze on UHF. He saw himself sitting there on the tv. His couch was on tv. His living room was on tv. He lifted the remote and

Sorry. I'm late - I was busy being groped at the airport. I gotta tell you, that's the first time I let another guy touch my junk when I couldn't blame it on too many beers.

"Don't try this at home," he thought as he stuffed her corpse full of dynamite. He thought of having the fuse come out her vagina or ass, but that was too obvious. No, he would

It was a really snowy winter. It had been snowing for a week now and I couldn't even get out of the house any more.

The glittery ball in Times Square started to descend and everyone around seemed joyous as the countdown began

He went to the foley stage. It was the last line he had to record for Rocky III. The director told Stallone, "This is where Clubber Lang hits you-" Stallone put his hand up, then

I felt immediately desperate after my divorce, and decided to visit a bar downtown. It’s not like me to drink, however I felt that if I had already lost my husband.. what else could I lose?

The alarm clock went off way too early this morning. I rolled over and chucked the alarm across the room. The snooze button became obsolete. I reluctently got out of bed

There once was a Quaker Clown who hated kangaroos. We don't know why but he did, but he hated their bouncy, jumping around.

Hi, I'm fat and addicted to oxycotin. Strange because most drug people are thin. Not me, no amount of self-abuse stops my addiction. Actually, I'm getting hungry just thinking

She had taken her son to Disneyland. The photos were developed. She couldn't take her eyes off the one with her son and Princess Jasmine. There was something...oh wait, what

My fingers tingled as I prepared for my first gig as a guitarist with a rock band. So here I was, the room was dark, the joint smelled of stale drink, I was nervous, yet ...

It wasn't any fun for me bursting out of her belly. It ticks me off. There's always sympathy for the human growing pod, but none for the alien spawn. What's up with that?

Elvin stared at the handcuff that connected him to his valise. "Why must I be a man with a suitcase?"

While in his room I slowly wrapped my mouth around the warmthness of

One day Daniel Tosh walked into a store and over the intercome said haha its the gay man!