When did you ever hear me quote myself? That is tantamount to reasonable because I am a very quotable guy. I once said about myself that I had lots of things to say about myself to

The flight attendant came along on her Velcro shoes. "Peanuts or almonds, Mr. Whitman?" She noticed his six-shooters. "TBH, ma'am, I could go for a breakfast burrito and a liter of

I grabbed the towel rack. It came out of the wall. I swear it was so big. Water splashed up.

I lost everything but my

The Dipsy Doodle is a new roller coaster that promises zigzag turns translating into 40 Gs of force, enough to make it feel like you’re being squashed in between 2 sheets of steel.

It was Joe's idea to eat Tim. I ain't never liked anything more than beef and chicken, so the thought of eatin' Tim turned summersaults in my stomach. Still, 6 days without food

Fold if ya with me because

I once bought a Wendy's Kids Meal. The toy that came with it was a mini plastic model of a McDonald's Happy Meal. The toy that came with the mini McDonald's Happy Meal was

David Bowie has always been thin. But when he was younger he was even thinner. Extraordinary to say.

why are all these kids obsessed with Call of Duty, go outside...

It smelled like shame and Korean barbecue in there. Mix that with rotting flesh and you have the recipe for yet another murder mystery. Detective Jason Manatee looked up from his

What happens when you get bit bt a snowman mixed with a vampire? Frost bite.

but she never forgot. how could she? she was being charged with the death of her own mother. but of course no one would believe it wasnt her, he got away before he was even seen.

Once upon a time there was a princess who had a terrible personality but was very attractive.

Ten years ago today, I went on a cruise to...

He knew only two things. She was all he had and he would never see again.

Because I could only believe myself as far as I could throw me I decided to hire a private investigator to tail me and see who I met with when I was busy doing other things. I was

You're not real and you two are only here for moments at a time and then vanish. Like bubbles popping. I don't know anything. I don't feel anything. I'm barely here myself.

Out of sight, out of mind.

The thing about my job is that, most of the time, you start with a reasonably ethical motives, but end with unreasonably unethical outcomes. That's the problem when you