Crossing the galactic sea had been easy. The silicone radar systems was a different matter. His hull contained the forbidden materials. That's why they were going to make him

"What the hell?" he thought. Everyone else was looting from everywhere. The news said it was the end of times and instead of repenting, they were finally getting what they thought

After they busted me out of prison I got a mighty grouch on. I used to go around dispossessing people of their 18 Wheelers. After speed eating a "baconator" I point the truck at

Sparky backed fluffy up, but the cat was getting tenacious. For the moment she would be content to lap up the blood and wait him out. He guarded their dead master, but for how long

Once up on a time a man got away, leaving behind evidence. But before he had attacked a woman. She was attacked by some idiot in the projects. He's so dumb, so dumb, so dumb, QWOP!

I found it hard to find fault with them, but that didn’t absolve them of their responsibility. A quick check of my mental inventory listed the likeliest location of my missing

By the time the officer made it to the window, she’d climbed over me and I’d slid under. She took my baseball cap and I took her black Ray-bans. That was usually sufficient

It was a typical Wednesday, no one noticed, but then again they never did. I reached for my pencil and began adding the totals, it was then

Then the cabbie said, "Listen fuck-face, I don-" and then he saw. It was Johnny Depp. The cabbie took off his hat and said, "What was it like to fuck Wynona, Mr. Depp?"

So then the squishy man in the suit said, "The Great Communicator." They were astonished. "But he was an idiot." "There's footage of him admitting to illegal activity." Then the

There was a little boy, standing besides the street in his red trousers. He was collecting something from the floor - when suddenly ...

-Where the F#$& are my F#$&ing socks?-And why the F#$& are you so mad about some F#$&ing socks?-Because they are my F#$&ing lucky socks.-And when the F#$& did you have a lucky day?

He'd had enough time to hide the body that'd owned the suit he was wearing in bathroom's maintenance closet. He jammed a key into the lock and broke it off, so it would be hours

She benefited from falling in love more than most. When Kristin was in love, her clone would instinctively follow her man, protecting him from adultery using sadistic torture and

When Roger refused to consummate their marriageon their wedding night, Cleo deeply regretted her vow of premarital chastity. But Ross the bellman was happy to step in. As it were.

Letter openers are just so boring. Especially the one I got as a St. Patty's Day gift. My uncle was cool like that; giving gifts on random holidays. Sadly he missed the mark with

Out of the mouth of failure

Like most renown scientists Dr. Doppel denied aspiring to the Nobel prize while secretly coveting it. His ambition led him to a morally questionable experiment when he cloned

"I have a Groupon!" Again, I showed my print out to the manager, but the goons had me by the collar and belt and I was being dragged to the door. This was

Knick Knack, Paddy Whack. What the hell is a Paddy Whack anyway? Paddy is often used to refer to an Irish Man and a whack could be a whack with a stick. Irish Child abuse? Could it