Lovingly kissing her chelicerae, I looked deep into her compound eyes and began to stroke her opisthosoma, her book gills all aflutter, her tail spine quivering in the night air.

Janice got seriously stuck. She tried to wriggle her way out of the warm stinking mud, but every move made the mud suck her body further down. She was tired, hungry, thirsty and

"I can't smoke my morning bong bowl because someone took every lighter and box of matches in the freakin' house!" The recently turned 18 year old screamed at the top of her lungs.

"Chip the glasses and crack the plates! That's what Bilbo Baggins hates -". The dwarves stopped singing as one, realizing that Bilbo stood in the kitchen doorway, his arms

"Ahem" he said. "The suggestion box was completely empty again except for this message: I AM HORNY. All caps. Now, this leads me to believe

Joshua refused to take the FCAT test. Even at the age of three he knew that verbiage was a tool of distortion and control. He looked through the people of earth and of other worlds

Pablo De Nuda trembled on his next doctor's visit -- because he knew what they knew -- what they all knew -- the little glyphs blabbing about in their electro-topological congress

I like my cosy box. It's warm & comfortable. Why do I have to get out of the box to think?

Footsteps on the dance floor remind me baby of you. Tear drops in my eye eyes, next time I'll be true. Whispers in the powder room, she cries on every tune, every tune, every tune

Pregnant women must eat 18 chewy chocolate chip muesli bars during their first trimester. After the quickening only crunchy chocolate chip muesli bars should be eaten because

Coming out of a nasty divorce it seemed like providence when I met Sal on an internet forum, someone I could confide in. I finally got up the nerve to road trip to Crazy Woman, WY

Beeeep. The alarm clock startled me out of the bed and onto the floor. I groaned and groggily checked the time. 52 stars and a penny. It was far too early for me to fully function.

A poet has senses that cannot even be felt, and so in the subtly shifting tenebrae of a white night in Sankt Peterburg, 1895, Andrei wrote, without knowing why: "LET'S ROCK!!!"

One day I was walking down the street and I felt something reach up and grab my leg. I looked down to startled to see what it was and it was a....

I have beautiful feet

I'd take headphones over a concert any day, but dad wanted me to get a realer metal concert experience. A black blur, he entered my room violently enough to break the mosh barrier.

"Poem for My Newlywed Wife on the Eve of Our Honeymoon: In the dark, my fart is as deadly as a shark." As my beloved lay in wait I beamed at her, deeply proud of my verse.

Kimberley Stockholm was a godzilla - she had arms that were a mile long, teeth that you could see your reflection in, and her breath...YEEEEESHHHH!

Detective Manatee felt uncomfortable in his dinner suit. 'The Marriage of Detective Manatee' was premiering at Sydney Opera House with tenor Lucio Lamantino in the star role. In

I shrugged with every fiber of my being.. Finally the big fat hairy smelly sweaty greasy carbuncle-covered weight was off my shoulders.