Beeeep. The alarm clock startled me out of

Beeeep. The alarm clock startled me out of the bed and onto the floor. I groaned and groggily checked the time. 52 stars and a penny. It was far too early for me to fully function.

Ever since that man dropped a penny on me from atop the Empire State Building, I was seeing stars at all times. My alarm clock lacked the empathy of more advanced models and beeped

like a squad car speeding towards Dunkin Donuts at rush hour. My eyelids fluttered open. Glittering geometric shapes slowly expanded wherever I looked. Another migraine attack?

My perceptions were devolving at alarming rate. Trees were becoming green triangles, the pavement: a gray square, the sun: a yellow circle. My vision was going 8-bit.

Sure, there was Grandpa with his MS Paint art but I was crushed about the simplification of my eyesight. A few days later, though, as if in compensation, the soundfield expanded

my senses. The world now was literally a tie-dyed explosion of colors & sounds. Grandpa lost his hearing aids a while back, but when a blue & pink starburst erupted in the sky, I

decided I needed something stronger. I took dynamite, jammed it in a pepper spray tube with huge blobs of psilocybin marinated in peyote and injected it into my neck.

It was powerful trippy and I was encouraged to go stronger still. After some quick research on the deep web I decided on a ghost pepper / LSD / pop rocks / bath salts enema.

The Beatles wrote Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds. It would be an entirely different song if they had ghost pepper / LSD / pop rocks / bath salts enemas.

Lucy in the Sky with Stuff up her Bum would require different rhymes entirely. Bum rhymes with hum, dumb, thumb, scrotum and scrum. Here goes: "Picture yourself in a boat on a...