I went down the list. Amsterdam? Nope. Tangier? Nope. Nashville? Nope. All cities I had been banned from. My love of violent mutant girls and "trucker speed" had cost me

"Welcome back to Pimp My Ride. Today, we're trickin' out the Oscar Mayer Weinermobile. We're gonna take it from 'hot dog' to 'hot DAWG'." I watched in astonishment as the host

Reggies' boss liked to take potential customers for a round of golf to relax & help synch the deal, but when Reggie sent his ball into a sandtrap for the 3rd time, he got T'd off

"You know why they have musk-mellons at weddings? because they CANTALOPE!" The bride rolled her eyes heaven-ward. Why did he pick HIM for the Best-Man, Why?

There was once a ghost. The ghost's name was Dennis. This ghost was highly curious, living in his barrel on the sidewalk. One day he saw a fedora-wearing squirrel and decided to

"And now, by the power of Grayskull, I pronounce you Masters of the Universe!" They kissed and a thunderbolt struck the ground where they stood. A chasm opened.

"For sale, baby shoes, never worn" read the slip of paper. Dammit, why were the higher ups obsessed with Hemingway references? Last time, his contact had been an old man on a

Never able. Walk streets. Tell lies. Hide faults. Pass lights. Be blinded. Seek distractions. Need escape. Feel women. Soft, vulnerable. Hear lies. Think dreams. Walk alone. Ever.

The moment I think I am carefree in this world the unbreakable bindings that keep me in this depression called reality remind me to carry on being me.

El pendejo corrió por el pueblo gritando: "¡El lobo ha robado las ovejas" por última vez!" Lo metieron en la estacada. Todo el mundo sabía que el pueblo no tenía ovejas.

"Am I a sexy pillow?"

There once was a transvestite from Nantucket, whose

"Hey, you!" I looked up. A guy on a Ferris Wheel was waving manically at me. "My name's John. We're gonna get married! And have a little dog called Ponce!" I gave him the thumbs up

By averaging the photos of 10s on 'Hot or Not,' I got an image of the perfect girl. I decided to do the same with 300 illustrations of Jesus.

"Bring me the Baron alive, but do what you want to the rest," said Capt. Purplebeard from the crow's nest. The pirates cheered in unison. "Dress-up!" They forced pillagees to wear

La femme mystérieuse était sur la plage à Nice. Elle attendait le soleil....elle ne voulait plus vivre. Sans Jésus, son petit chien rose, sa vie était misérable

Sometimes it's important to worry about where you are going. Kately discovered this one night. Head down walking the street, she was engrossed in her twitter feed and did not

"Oh my... it looks like a hard rain's a-gonna fall" Said Ma Gerita. "May the wrath of god and water and wind wash me away, and take me out of this misery", replied Father Jerry

"Puss in Boots just sounds wrong, damn it!"

"Nothings funnier then nude people slapping each other in the shower! Am I right, or what?" "I don't know. I mean that was late night programming. But now we're talking about