Fine, you go ahead and start the car. Meanwhile, I'll finish putting rope around the children, burn the house and make sure the neighbours keep quiet. Just don't complain when

It was the second to the last day for the National Writing Project fellows. After a gratifying four weeks of writing boot camp, they were about to be free. Then things got weird.

if your happy an u no it clap ur hands (clap_clap) if you happy an u no it clap ur hands (clap_clap) if ur happy and u noe it and ur face will surely show it if ur happy an u no it

Well, at least I thought it would be like that. I was never quite sure of how unsure I really was. In fact, the only thing I've ever been sure of was cheese. Cheese was my passion.

I fumbled and dropped my last remaining clip. I'd never been good at reloading in a hurry, and the growing stench of piss was only making me more nervous - particularly due to

Dollar bills floated through the air in the small wind tunnel of the shoe store. They did this kind of thing to attract business on slow days. She'd forgotten the toxins embedded

The freakin' snow was up to my crotch, not that I minded the stimulation, but I needed to get to the meet her. She had left a chat on my phone and I was intrigued. All it said

I remember being born, which I guess is pretty rare. Everyone always wants me to tell them about it, but the truth is childbirth is not pretty. Do you want to know? Okay, fine:

This year, the team was challenged to come up with a machine that would perform twelve tasks on

Until a year ago he owned his father’s pawn shop but left it to deal in anything-you-want from a shop with no address. I saw him walk behind the police car and light

Delivering a corpse was out of the question, but re-animating a shredded body full of shrapnel was too rich for his pay grade. He nodded once before drifting across the center line

The only purple folder lay on his desk. These meant the worst possible thing and he could barely think it, let alone coax his hand into opening it. That would take bourbon and lots

The ship smashed against the rocks. Severed heads rolled out of the chest. This is where the captain has been hiding his friends. I took the torch and waved it at

Five minutes into the day she had that sinking feeling. She knew she had hired the wrong person. No more Gen Ys she promised herself. She should have seen it coming when

Deep breaths, each one successively deeper, widened the berth given to him by those around him. The herd could smell a stampede and were spreading for safety. He could barely hide

Don't sugar coat it. Take out the fart spray and goose this turnip good. I'm tired of everyone blaming the fat guy for unowned odors. This time I will strike, and strike hard until

"How did I get here?" he thought as he sat on the tip of a Trident Nuclear Weapon. It was damn uncomfortable. He looked down and realized just how far down

Drama happens everyday. Today,

The auto-correct of my iPad makes me look like a moron as it auto-incorrects my typing to make it look like I type in tongues.

Last time I smelled this bad I lost my best girl. She said it's cuz i stunk. Anyway she stunk worse than I ever did. I changed my underwear but my heart was