"Try it!" I will try it, asshole, as soon as the smoke from whatever you're burning empties from my lungs. You've got enough incense burning to choke out the dank weed smell, and

Captain Jack Sparrow said, "My name is Jack and I'm an alcoholic."

He gurgled, he growled. He huffed and he squinted. The ground rolled and the dust lit gloom hovered. The praying mantis lifted his cataract coated goggles and peered into the dist

One hot summer night, while I was sucking down chili dogs outside the Tastee Freeze, I noticed that the dude sitting on the hood of the car next to mine looked exactly like Elvis.

Last thing I remember was that I was just sitting there at a red light, minding my own beeswax. In retrospect, I guess I should have noticed something was wrong when Skittles

Fresh out of the shower, I admired my girth in the foggy mirror. Middle age had made me fat with rolls of flesh and the kind of rippled cellulite flesh I used to make fun of when I

Somehow, I'm the one who gets cornered into explaining to a 70-year-old lady what the term "donkey punch" means (she asked). Then, everyone is pissed because I told her the truth.

I'm so confused about all this sexuality talk. When we were kids it was simple, you put on the fake raccoon mascot head, hide out in the bushes and try to find someone else in a

To be immortal, Anna tried to reduce herself to something abstract: 13. You can't kill 13. Anna walked under ladders on Fridays, then broke mirrors with black cats, but that caused

When the Austro-Hungarian Empire decided that it would mark its territorial border in the middle of a tavern on 24th Street, Little Jimmy knew things were about to get messy.

"OK, Day Campers!" Ms. Twombly clapped her hands. "I want you all to make him feel welcome!" This was the day the Littlest Pet Shop's special visitor was a dead sturgeon.

Spock looked down on the human race and said, "They are highly illogical."

One shift, Research Director Erasmos Domingi decided to check out the robotics. All was fine. So was science and toxins. But when he was in xenobiology, he saw

Billy Mays here with the new OxiClean detergent ball! Get on the ball! The OxiClean detergent ball!

Go fly a kite!

"I call it the Beezow Doo-Doo Zopittybop-Bop-Bop Bong. See it looks like a rubber ducky. The intake is here. You can smoke in your bath." "Mr. Beezow Doo-Doo Zopittybop-Bop-Bop

"Stick it where the sun don't shine!" Mel advised, adjusting his eyepatch and hitching up his kilt. I laughed derisively. "Broccoli won't grow in the shade, you sorry excuse for a

I'm sure I read somewhere that ancient Britons dressed as grey herons to scare the Romans. It didn't go well for them and since then heron or any bird fancy dress has not been incl

It is a guilty secret of modern psychology that more is understood about the motivation of thirsty rats & hungry pecking pigeons as they press levers than is known about how poets

Midst the impending chaos, I felt it was high time to make fudge brownies.