It was the post-Apocalypse and I was the King of the Can-Openers.

"what is your mother doing?" Steve asked. Georgina laughed, "She is picking at a nut stuck in her tooth." "And you chose that moment to take a picture and then put it on your iphon

This is a true story. My story. The one I thought I'd never tell.

Jerry sat alone at his cubicle. It was another long night of overtime. He wondered where all of his coworkers were as he tapped quietly at his keyboard. Little did he know that

I gave the door five knocks, paused, then knocked three more times. "Password?" said a voice from the other side. "password123" I replied. They really needed a better password. I

"Don't worry about it Bob! Stop being such a puss Bob! The SEC will never notice Bob! That's what you said! You screwed me you bastard! I'm finished!" "Lower your voice Bob" He ope

"Oh my... it looks like a hard rain's a-gonna fall" Said Ma Gerita. "May the wrath of god and water and wind wash me away, and take me out of this misery", replied Father Jerry

"No, for real! I swear hush puppies are made out of REAL puppies." Wow. My butcher had never steered me wrong in the past, so I had to believe him. Still, made me wonder if

"It's some kind of temporal eddy," Bulemia Tourettes explained. Capt. Janeway shook her head in dismay. Tupok continued, "It is as if memory engrams reset after only a short time."

I crept into my bedroom & slowly eased my sock drawer open. There they all were, nestled together dreaming happy socky dreams. I knelt down, took out my melodica & tootled a

Pumpkins filled with candles laid alone and ignored on the NorthBrook Castle as the servants and followers abandoned Queen Evelyn on the night of the strongest Harvest Moon of the

By averaging the photos of 10s on 'Hot or Not,' I got an image of the perfect girl. I decided to do the same with 300 illustrations of Jesus.

I am Shutruk Nahunte, King of Anshand and Susa, Sovereign of the land of Elam. I destroyed Sippar, took the stele of Naram-Sin, & brought it back to Elam, where I erected it as an

At the castle gate, the French army waited to lay siege. Inside, the English had run out of frankincense. "Can someone PLEASE dump the lair pots outside?" the King asked. An archer

School was about to suck when all of a sudden I ran into the wall. Yep it sucked sooner than I thought and it only began.

I thought I had been invited to go rollerblading with a friend, but misunderstood. What he really said was, "ROLLERBALDING!" I tried to stop but it was too late. I had the skates

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Oscar got me a frosty brew and Felix slipped a coaster under it. My cards were middling. I considered Cthulhu in that long moment. Were his/its tells contrived or revelatory? I

♪ Is you is or is you ain't my babe. Maybe babies found somebody new ♪ Is what I found myself internally singing after I called Suzy for the fifth time tonight. Whats she thinking?

Tomorrows scheduled work I will be absent picking bellybutton lint in my apartment. I spent all of my money on rent and my flint is old on my zippo cannot light my cigarillo so I