"Look, I already told you, I'M NOT PUTTING IT BACK ON!" I shouted at Colonel Stafford. She looked appalled. "I never wanted to be a part of all this! YOU forced me into it!"

"What's the big deal if I was making out with some other dude on the dance floor? I didn't know his name, so it didn't mean anything."

The USC scout stalked the talent show. He'd heard rumors of a girl who was "born to hula", and he wasn't one to pass up a chance at a prodigy. Just last year, a hopscotch prodigy

They shall grow not old, as we that are left grow old; Age shall not weary them, nor the years condemn. At the going down of the sun and in the morning We will remember them.

We have this illusion. We're in control. We've mastered the elements. Life's cosy & predictable. It's not like that. Let me tell you. The universe is a violent & inhospitable place

Not allowed to say "Merry Christmas" anymore at the office. "Happy Holidays" is also banned, as are the terms "Hannukah" and "Winter Solstice." In fact, we weren't even allowed to

Out-of-work collaborative storytelling characters gazed yearningly through the front window. Alpha Male, Brian the confused mail clerk, Superkick, Dr. Faulk the manosurgeon. X-mas

Thanks to the Motolounger™ you never leave the comfort of your own recliner. It tops out at 20 mi/hr & has a mount for golfbag, a beer tap and a pouch for the remote control.

"Give me an H" (Crowd: "H!") "Give me a P" (Crowd: "P") Give me an "S" (Crowd: "S") What's that spell? (Crowd: "HhhhPpppSsss!")

Good morning gentlemen, as you all probably know we are gathered here today to pay our respects to our dear leader, James Jameson McJames III, who sadly passed away due to his

After umbral flashes & a brief inflationary period, a swollen red giant had a coronal mass ejection resulting in orbital insertion of ejecta into the companion star. The Panspermia

I have a fetish about toes. I have ever since I was born.

Ilyen volt 2012! London - sok arany - no smoking - drágább sör - Maotolcsy - Matelcsy a csoda - egyre orbán-közgép - sittpál nelwédö tolvaj - egy hoho horgász az új elnök ...

"Concrete Shoes,Cyanide, TNT, Neckties, Contracts,High Voltage. Done Dirt Cheap! Call me anytime." It seemed like a solicitation to her so she picked up the phone & dialed 36 24 36

Humphrey was a whale.

Why me? How could this happen? I paid my taxes. Went to church. Filled out my timesheets properly. Stuck to a sensible diet. I played by all the rules but I guess that just wasn't

Nelly the elephant

Finally the opportunity had arisen. The wife was away visiting family in Israel, the kids were safely ensconced at camp - at last I could be myself without fear of others shaming!

I have the hardest time understanding why my one hand is an exact mirror image of my other hand. How did my right hand know what my left hand was doing?

"Ia! Ia! Shug-Niggurath!" I shouted, and within seconds the Elder God appeared in all its gibbering glory. "Could you get me a beer? I'm parched". Winning that bet with Nodens