Not allowed to say "Merry Christmas" anymore

Not allowed to say "Merry Christmas" anymore at the office. "Happy Holidays" is also banned, as are the terms "Hannukah" and "Winter Solstice." In fact, we weren't even allowed to

create decorations out of the records in the compactus anymore. The office was was too quite and everyone was working hard. Everyone was allowed to leave early since they had

mono. It was the great Mono Bum Out of 2199. Everyone was kissing and really tired. I knew one kid that had Mono and pink eye! It was all too much for me to handle on my own so

I called the Mono Helpline. "Just lie down and try to stop kissing," the nursed helpfully advised. They told me how I could tie myself up Japanese style to facilitate this. I got

all Shibari'd up -- a pretty good effort for a beginner I thought -- and redialed the helpline on my cellphone using my nose. It was the same counselor. She guffawed when I told

her I'd used my nose to dial the phone. "Cool story, call me when you use an internal organ" the counselor said before ending the call. Obviously I would have to become much more

open minded. That made no sense whatever. I mean, I used my liver as much as Slash used his in the 80's, maybe even more with all the vodka I drank, sure, is that what she meant? I

Thought the svedka lemon vodka was such a well designed bottle that I added it to my collection. I now haf three hundred bottles, alongside my uncle's collection. No room left for

a life so we had to sell it off. We were hardly surprised when The Devil was the only potential buyer to show up. He didn't even want the life, he just wanted the soul that came wi

th it. He showed up, horns, tale, pitchfork and all, and in his smooth voice, made his offer. "I can take this life off your hands and give you the Presidency. We shook hands.