They say home is where the heart is. I keep

  • They say home is where the heart is. I keep mine under the floorboards. Late at night, I can still hear it beating...

  • That fucking raven keeps getting in through the window & pecking at the floorboards, so I decided to build a balloon to scare off the birds and ask those Frenchy detectives how to

  • enjoy anything Jerry Lewis did. The Frenchy detectives weren't much help and the balloon idea was deflated when the Raven popped it. Dejected and sad I petted my tiny little

  • pony and braided her manes. Then I decided I deserved a bigger pet, so I went to the pound and got a Great Dane. He was the size of a cow and had black and white spots to match.

  • When I got him home I was in udder disbelieve when he mooed the mailman. My great Dane also chewed cud & spat green churly mounds to mark territory. But when he said "Jeg elsker di

  • g", I knew that I had found my match. Why would I even fight it? I mean there are laws against this sort of thing but this is LOVE, this is LOVE LOVE LOVE, what I'm feelin'

  • ". The judge, however, was not impressed with my argument, and sentenced me to 2 years hard labor on a penal asteroid in the Denobian cluster, where my only relief would be to

  • have a letter from home once a year. I worked at night breaking Denobian rocks under strange stars. After my 5 year sentence ended I decided to stay on the asteroid to start a rock

  • band, "Taken for Granite" with a few other ex-cons. Our angst-driven music filled the galaxies. Our audiences were alienated teenagers. We were universal stars! Our asteroid

  • sized drummer looked down upon us, and demanded that we carve him some drum sticks out of full grown red cedar tree trunks. My acid trip ended 6 hours later in the ICU.



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