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One time I forced a poop and this first attempt

  • One time I forced a poop and this first attempt to "rush the kids in the pool" Ended with a "ahh Hnnn" POOT POOT schlllltPLOP wipe. This new found despotism of time now allows me

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  • meditate in peace, no longer distracted by the urges of my bowels. Plus, being able to stop and start time at will, my tea never grows cold when I read. I do admit that it would

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  • be cooler if I could fly. Don't get me wrong, the power to stop time is better than no power at all, but it isn't flying. If I could fly, then I could really scare the crap out of

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  • penguins, who bet me $20 that they'd be able to fly before me. But, alas, I can only stop time. At least I have as long as I need to imagine cool powers. I could fry penguins with

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  • that Bisquik batter box that's been sitting on the shelf for ages. I looked online for the best fried penguin-parts recipe, and I couldnt even find 1?! So, I improvised. I started

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  • by cracking a couple of eggs in a bowl just like you do with chicken then I salt and peppered the crap out of that bird. WAIT, what is that I started to think that my parts weren't

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  • fully defrosted yet, and the penguin's beak was still connected to the head. Nonetheless, once cooked, I figured I would have the finest penguin jerky this side of Anchorage.

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  • How horribly wrong I was. The penguin jerky market had been saturated thanks to the devious marketing department at Jack Links. Their spies are everywhere! Discouraged, I embarked

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  • on another gourmet snack idea: whale blubber rinds. Sold 'em on the black market in burlap bags smuggled into the states by the Antarctic Cartel. Millions...I sold millions...until

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  • there were no more whales. I realized that I had single-handedly destroyed the entire ecosystem. I just stood, pondering what I had done for a long moment... "Cool!"

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