I took a sip of my iced coffee and logged

  • I took a sip of my iced coffee and logged into Facebook on my phone for the first time in months. I was just as depressed to see what was happening as I always had been. There was

  • All the baby pictures, oh look, I missed my 7 year HS reunion. What was this? My wife went to ElRanchito on a date?!? With our neighbor?! I know I've been distant, but wtf?!?!

  • Ted had gotten all this bad news second hand through mission control while he was on the space station MIR. The stuff about his wife was so embarrassing, but what could he do?

  • His wife had fallen in love with Martina Navratilova. How could Ted compete with the Amazonian ex tennis champion of the world? He was stuck in a tin box orbiting earth. In bad Rus

  • sian he exclaimed ' Spasiba' and then 'Dasvidanya/' He thought he was using cuss words. He didn't know that he had said 'thank you' and 'goodbye.' Martina didn't understand it too

  • well either, since he'd slurred the words after having downed too much Stolichnaya. Martina mistakenly thought he was asking her for

  • tennis lessons, but what he really wanted was for Martina to deliver a literal backhand to the upside of his vodka-saturated head. He had to sober up...and FAST because in 2 hours,

  • he was scheduled to have dinner with Martina's father. Word on the street was that he used to run with a dangerous crowd and liked to make racist jokes and if you laughed he would

  • ask you what was so funny in that way that made you wet your pants. He was that guy the one in the crowd that said inappropriate things, but then made you feel bad. I guess it

  • was just how he was. He was ok most of the time. After all I really did love him.



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