I was a big fan of Star Wars as a kid. I

I was a big fan of Star Wars as a kid. I guess that's why I wore the Vader mask when I robbed the 7-eleven. When they showed me on the evening news I couldn't help but feel pride

I had turned to the the Dark side! It went viral. Soon everybody was in the act, a Ninja robbed a dry-cleaners, a pirate at the Fashion Bug. That's when those do-gooders started

turning to the Dark side ironically. My culture of punching babies and laughing at sick puppies has been co-opted by a bunch of spoiled upper-middle class hipsters.

It seemed now would be the best time to destroy Portland. It had babies, sick puppies, and all the hipsters I could bare to hate. Now all I had to do was begin my conquest.

Camouflage duct-tape! Guns, Ammo and such are the consumables of a modern army but Camouflage duct-tape is a necessity. Modern equipment is so flimsy almost every thing has to be

sold by IKEA. Their directions have this soulless ghost who happily constructs pre-fab particle-board crap. The total opposite of a carpenter who is God's son which is why

Satan decided to buy a considerate amount of IKEA shares. Artisan furniture never sold well in a crisis anyway, and Satan had orchestrated this crisis well. Jesus was out of a job

for three days, but everyone knew you couldn't keep him down. He stood outside the temple to disposable furniture and preached sustainability. The Swedes saw their error and

that's when they came up with the new & improved Swiss Army Knife. Cheering filled the streets. Down with the imperialist classism of a disposable economy! Virtue in all things!