"I dare you." said Newton. God thought it

"I dare you." said Newton. God thought it over. "Remove all Bibles from the earth and give someone unified theory?" Newton nodded. "In ten years, more will believe in me than you."

"Puh-leeze," said God, "as if I care what those jamokes think. There's only one person's opinion I give a poo about, and that is

Joan Rivers. Man, she is FUNNY!" God chuckled. Lightening rained down from his beard. He had meant to kill Joan centuries ago, but she had more to do. That's why he allowed

her to continue with her scratchy-voiced impressions. The skin was pulled taut over her skull to keep Joan Rivers looking young. Her ruse worked. God actually forgot to kill her.

This pissed Melissa Rivers off to no end. Her favorite film was, "Die, Mommie, Die!" - like you had to ask. Her "Mommie Dearest" Mother's Day parties were quite popular with

other psychopathic 65-year-olds with no living parents, but attendance was rather slipping of late. Melissa had to come up with a plan to garner more patrons, and quick, or else

General Custer would rise from the grave for the sequel of Custer's Revenge. It would be a cross-over with E.T., an alien that looks like sentient fecal matter. So my bake sale

will make me enough money to go to the movie (must thank gran for the cupcake recipe). Maybe as a thanks i could take her to the movie but then again she is my gran hmmmm.

"Retirement Homes: Your Happy Place!" If she could only take the hint. I know she would have to shut down her bookie joint but I need the room for my herbal hydroponics.