"I'm not an actor, but I play one on TV"

"I'm not an actor, but I play one on TV" said Dr. Mendacium. It was how he started his 1 hr infomercial "How to Confuse Others & Get Rich." By the end of the hour he'd hypnotised

himself and walked into anything that had a light on it. That's how Dr. Mendacium got the heat rash on his lips which he

would show off to his patients as a sign of his superior education. "Everyone at Johns Hopkins gets them." He would often ignore a patient's symptoms and instead instruct them on

what "people at John Hopkins have." Because of his egoisicm, he was

Forced to endure an experimental shock therapy and be paid 100 dollops a day. He needed the money!

So he put on his last pair of plastic underwear liner and trotted down to room 13 for the first of his paid shocks. He had assumed that these would be purely physical, but

they came out of the gate a real culture shock when he had to live with the Yanomamas for six months. The Yanomamas were the last known Found Tribe from the ill fated expedition of

The positivity ended the next night when I was visiting a friend for dinner and his 72-year-old mother asked me what "donkey punch" meant. My friend swallowed hard and left the

room. "It's, um..." I stammered. "Never mind," she snapped. "I know what it is, ya dumbass. Ya think I was born yesterday?" We laughed together until we cried. What a woman!