When I first met her I was appalled because

When I first met her I was appalled because she was trying to tie off the ring finger of her left hand so it would fall off. She thought it would protect her from future marriage.

All ladyfingers could be sold to French pastry chefs, so why stop at one? "These are delightful," said a patron, dunking my girlfriend's digits in liqueur. Her toes were next, then

the french chef's brought out the stinky cheese to compliment her funky toes. At first I felt bad about cannibalize my girlfriend, but then I had an epiphany that changed everythin

g. If I ate my girlfriend, she'd be part of me forever & ever & ever. A teapot whistled somewhere in the distance. I got out my cannibal cookbook & turned to my favorite recipe:

Me. This one was going to be a challenge. How can one cook the whole Me when the Me is also the one doing the cooking? This conundrum has puzzled philosopher-chefs since the dawn

of the Age of Enlightenment. Before that philosopher-cooks didn't bother thinking about this as they were too sick from food poisoning. Maybe I could 'cook' myself metaphorically

? What if I cook myself & noone is in the kitchen to smell it, will I be well done? Being an empiricist, Rob set a pot to Boyle, chopped intuition & fresh Spinosa on a tabula rasa

And filmed the whole thing, later posting at his youtube channel. It went viral and had, four years later, an estimated 1,946,638 views. His boss did not take such a kindly view of

his use of company equipment and he soon found himself jobless. He tried to get a job at McDonald's, padding his resume with his Youtube success, but Ronald McDonald was