They traced the beginning of the end to "The

They traced the beginning of the end to "The McLaughlin Group", a sad and tired TV show. Leaping from her chair, Eleanor Clift began to strangle

the director halfway through the shooting schedule. The rage had been building up all evening long, and the McLaughlin Group debate had simply aggravated the Dalai Lama's

GIRD, and great gouts of stomach acid spewed from his mouth every time he attempted to say even the simplest koans. The Pope was faring no better - let's just say Preparation H

was the next best thing to chap stick. He smeared it all over his lips. It made giant white oily streaks. You could see big jagged cracks in the

rest of his face, but ohhhh, no...not his lips, no sirree bob. He wondered what would happen if he smeared the chapstick down...you know...below. He tried it and was pleased to

find that it summoned a portal into the netherworld. Some poor demon on the other end of the portal would be mighty confused seeing a random person's junk poking through it. Oh

there are certainly more mundane ways to get a communicable disease, but really would you call it communication if your junk started speaking in a disembodied voice? It made dating

a game of roulette. The CDC had created a map tracking the spread of disease based on mobile phone usage. Statistics obtained from social media allowed the CDC to study emotions

of the populace and to track changes in infected and "healthy" individuals. The CDC's results were shocking and the Executive Director had sequestered everyone with knowledge

of jelly bean disease into a cheap hotel with uncomfortable mattresses. The government feigned having to cheap out for the last time. That's how the jelly bean apocalypse began.