Woke up to the sound of REM's Everybody Hurts.

Woke up to the sound of REM's Everybody Hurts. And when that happens, you'll find that your day will be automatically shit. So why bother getting out of bed. I felt like gouging my

girlfriend's eyes out with a potato peeler but decided to go back to sleep instead. Somebody needs to do something about REM's depressing anthem. I'm a major record producer so

I don't know what I'm talking about. Even I don't know what my own job is. Producing records. Do I manufacture CDs? Burn the CDs? What the hell is my job of record producer?

onal infomercials. It was the only way I could calm down. When I saw Tony Little demoing the Gazelle. I saw someone who was intensely in love with his job. I called the 1-800 numbe

r, not to buy the Gazelle, but to learn that intense love that Tony Little had demonstrated for his job. By my good fortune, the operator understood and gave me the 8000 number. B

y mistake I read it wrong. I had dialed a number OVER 9000! I ended up paying so much money for that wrong number, that I couldn't afford Gazelle! I learned no lesson from this!

To prevent others from being so bereft of lessons, I started the first moral fiber optics business. Folks calling Gazelle to sell phones were treated to Aesop's Fables audiobooks &

a lovely set of steak knives. But they first had to commit to a 3-year contract in moral fiber optics training. Lesson # 1: If what you see causes you to lust, go for it.

Lesson #2 Austerity does not boost the economy. Follow Keynes and spend your way out of debt. Upon completion of the training everyone will receive a certificate they can frame.