My wife sleeps with a plush panda under her

My wife sleeps with a plush panda under her head as a pillow and her feet up next to my head. They don't smell, but feeling her toes wiggle against my face is disconcerting.

But I don't complain. I sleep with my favorite flywheel extractor & my most comfortable cruiser boots on. My wife likes the leathery smell. She loves pandas so we tour from zoo to

zoo and then she tells me to dress up like a panda afterwards. At least I still get to wear my boots to bed, but it is hot in the furry suit. My wife could have worse fetishes like

that whole peeing on your partner thing. I'm all for some cra-cra stuff, but that is ODD. It reminds me of that one time I traveled to Vietnam to fid this rare turtle, only to find

that it was code for decrepit man. This elder was called turtle because he had a green shaped hump on his back and had lived for so long. No. This is just too crazy for me. I shoul

d get a glass of water so I can calm myself down. Unfortunately, this glass of water seems to have turtles swimming in it. I guess I'd better sue the company. Where's my phone?

I dug it out of my pocket and looked up "Bigwig CEO" in my contacts. "Hi, pretty pissed off here. There are salt water turtles in my glass. I was promised fresh water! You are so

useless your name should be NoWig CEO, not BigWig CEO: only smart people go bald!' I hang up the phone and look forlornly at the saltwater turtles. I would have to

make soup of them now. I had hoped to keep them as my pets, but I was outta money, outta food, outta everything. 4 hours later, I sat down to my steaming bowl of turtle soup, sad

that I was eating my little friends but happy that they had died in such a good cause - the soup was delicious.