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My wife sleeps with a plush panda under her

  • My wife sleeps with a plush panda under her head as a pillow and her feet up next to my head. They don't smell, but feeling her toes wiggle against my face is disconcerting.

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  • But I don't complain. I sleep with my favorite flywheel extractor & my most comfortable cruiser boots on. My wife likes the leathery smell. She loves pandas so we tour from zoo to

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  • zoo and then she tells me to dress up like a panda afterwards. At least I still get to wear my boots to bed, but it is hot in the furry suit. My wife could have worse fetishes like

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  • that whole peeing on your partner thing. I'm all for some cra-cra stuff, but that is ODD. It reminds me of that one time I traveled to Vietnam to fid this rare turtle, only to find

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  • that it was code for decrepit man. This elder was called turtle because he had a green shaped hump on his back and had lived for so long. No. This is just too crazy for me. I shoul

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  • d get a glass of water so I can calm myself down. Unfortunately, this glass of water seems to have turtles swimming in it. I guess I'd better sue the company. Where's my phone?

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  • I dug it out of my pocket and looked up "Bigwig CEO" in my contacts. "Hi, pretty pissed off here. There are salt water turtles in my glass. I was promised fresh water! You are so

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  • useless your name should be NoWig CEO, not BigWig CEO: only smart people go bald!' I hang up the phone and look forlornly at the saltwater turtles. I would have to

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  • make soup of them now. I had hoped to keep them as my pets, but I was outta money, outta food, outta everything. 4 hours later, I sat down to my steaming bowl of turtle soup, sad

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  • that I was eating my little friends but happy that they had died in such a good cause - the soup was delicious.

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2 Comments

  1. PurpleProf Sep 29 2013 @ 10:20

    I would title this one: "Stream of Consciousness While Sitting Alone at the Dinner Table."

  2. Spacey Sep 29 2013 @ 13:35

    It truly has the hallmarks of great contemporary literature. A journey of self-discovery, a troubled relationship with his wife...so much to analyse, so little time.

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