It was something about zippers that always

It was something about zippers that always confused me- this was a trait that became especially apparent whenever I had a lady friend over. Everything would be going well until

things started to get hot and heavy. I would fumble with her zipper, to the point that the makeout session would come to a screeching halt. "What's wrong?" my lady would ask.

"I can't stop thinking about He Who Is Not Of Creation, The Hope-Slayer, Stalker Of The Black Void -- B'chugerroth."

B'chugerroth was pronounced Bee-CHUG-a-ruth and was a hard word to learn for the upcoming spelling bee. Since the school board had now allowed denizens of hell,

shunned until now, open access to all curricular and non-curricular events as part of a new all-inclusive learning initiative, many malevolent entities were swotting up wildly.

And so Tom, Corporate Comptroller finally wrote the sentences that proved he had no writing career. He was as powdery as drywall inside. He drank his coffee through a straw and

pissed it out through a tube. He ate his breakfast liquidized and it left him in a similar fashion. He knew he needed more fiber, but his unhealthy obsession with dumplings always

left him squatting on the john, trying to count grams as his anus twitched. One painful day, perched atop the porcelain, it sprang into his mind: the fiber-gnocchi sequence!

new car!!!!!