I like to discipline my dog with rolled up

I like to discipline my dog with rolled up editions of the Economist. I think it makes him

wonder why I named him "Keynes" in the first place. I mean it is a bit ironic, but what can I tell you, he's a dog, not

a doctor dammit! You'd think people would realize it when they saw his floppy ears and saggy

jowls. But now all anyone wanted to do was rub his tummy or pat him on the head, and all he wanted to do was

thump his leg like a dog does when being scratched on the belly. Why was that so wrong? It wasn't even as bad as wanting

to take the cat by the tail and swing it, hard, round and round your head until you launch it deep into the backyard.

At least that's what I've always done to get rid of bad luck. And that trick has worked every time but one. The time I

dropped my watch in the toilet. Not only was it wedged down tight in the U-pipe but

I did what any man would do, I stayed in the bathroom until the entire place cleared out. Then cried myself to sleep.