"DAH-BEE-DUS." And with that latest failed

  • "DAH-BEE-DUS." And with that latest failed attempt at enunciation, Wilford Brimley's agitated speech coach stormed out of the trailer and moved on with her life.

  • She found a part time job cleaning up after old men at the retirement home, and one day, her gift for speech-coaching came to her again. She taught a 92 year old how to say

  • "I shit my pants again". Except he had no teeth so it came out "I thit my panth again". You took things one day at a time in the retirement home. The one highlight was the mandolin

  • smashing session when the residents pretended to be The Who. Well, I say "pretended," but one or two of them really believe it. It's sad to see a 90-year-old trying to

  • do a windmail guitar strum and fall over backwards. The lead put in his choppers and grabbed an IV stand like a mike. "TALKIN' 'BOUT MY GENTRIFICATION!" Nurses tried to get him to

  • do a stage dive and he leaped into a doctor performing a triple bypass. Blood sprayed in all directions like a

  • like broken tubing at a vampire hookah party. Oddly, greenish goo started squiting out in place of the blood and i realized i was on a Nickelodeon mashup of Punk'd

  • and You Can't Say That on Television. But with the realization that he'd just been hoaxed, that meant that Sarah hadn't been lying; she was really in danger, and only I

  • knew where she had been earlier in the day. I left the crowd without an explanation and jumped in my car. The road to her campsite was deserted, Sarah's trail was easy to follow

  • because she had really, really long pigtails and this sort of grotesque red hair. When we got to her hideout, we found striped stockings & leg shaving equipment, but she was gone.



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