When people heard he carried a defibrillator,

When people heard he carried a defibrillator, they instantly thought heart problems, but his heart was fine. It was his brain. He looked at it. Too bad Ceasar didn't have one.

But what he didn't know was that Caesar did have a defibrilator, because Julius Caesar was not "assasinated." He was abducted by aliens and taken to

the Planet of Corroding Rubber Ducks, where he

found the origin of the powers lent to legendary superhero, Superkick! Superkick, woo! [Musical interlude, repeat.] Back on Earth, the Planet of Corroding Rubber Ducks™ aided his

former roommate Greg in rearranging his book collection. It might have been when he skimmed along the binding of F Scott Fitzgerald's The Great Gatsby when Greg turned and said,

How did that get there? I swear it's not mine!" Too late, Greg. Your shitty taste has been exposed. Rearrange your books yourself, lameass. You're no friend of mine. Eat shit and

quit reading crappy-ass young adult fiction. We're adults here, Greg. Educated, liberal, adults. Shouldn't you know better? We don't actually enjoy tofu-lemon grass shakes! We just

your pants and zip up.Greg rarely thought about his global footprint or his bad habit of exposing himself.So let this story be a lesson to all of you readers right now. Never, ever

forget to zip up your fly before hopping in your Hummer lest you drive right off a fiscal cliff while trying to multitask. Don't get Greg'd.