For most of his childhood, Martin took for

For most of his childhood, Martin took for granted the wax figures sitting in the drawing room. They were Gramps & Grandma. But one day his lively Aunt Tilly sat in waxy stillness

and all he could think of for many years after that was the unlikely mystery of the wax statuettes that haunted his past. Neither mercy nor tribulation could erase the horror of

doing his internship at Ripley's Believe It or Not in Gatlinburg, TN. It was mysterious because each morning when he woke up, he'd find one of the statues in bed with him. He

actually kind of liked it, until one morning he woke up to a statue of Liza Minnelli fondling his right butt cheek lovingly. It all went downhill from there - what wouldn't end up

with its end up? Oh kaaay? All of a sudden we became supremely flamboyant and outrageous. I starred in a nude version of Phantom of the Oprah and swung around on huge veiny

Hammockish gloves with eight fingers each. Who were they for?

Suddenly the radio cackled into life. "On October 28th 1975, unknown to the Unknowing and partially due to a perfunctory inspection of canned goods, one Stewart Eugene Schmuttles

found a large, dead grasshopper astride a freshly opened can of vienna sausages." I had to turn off the radio. It was too horrible. My friend Gunther was dead! I sat on

a shat on toilet seat. GODDAMNIT Gunther!!! You bastard! Even in death this asshat was pranking me. I cleaned myself up, finished the sausages, poured a flask of scotch and hopped