She had medical problems, falling often and

She had medical problems, falling often and for no reason, the prints she made in the sand or snow looked like rabbit prints, not feet, the playboy symbol. What made the ears?

Her horribly deformed toes, naturally. I dreaded seeing her without shoes - in fact, I dreaded seeing her shoes too! It must have been so painful for her, especially when she fell

from the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down. I finally came to my senses and found a girl who had fallen from heaven instead.

Of course, she had still hit that damn tree and every fucking branch before she hit the Earth. I couldn't be too picky. I wasn't exactly handsome. Weighing nearly 400 pounds and

covered in eczema I had to marry her. We decided to have the ceremony right under the "ugly tree" where we met. The strange thing is, that our first child was extremely beautiful

. I had fought against having raw milk delivered to our house because of risk of poisoning, but this was a reason I hadn't considered-- until it was too late. Did my scaly wife

produce any milk at all? I would surmise not because she was a reptile. Still, I looked at my wife with one question nagging at my mind. Who had allowed the unwanted milk delivery?

And why did my child look like Will Smith when I look like Will Ferrell and my wife like Angela Lansbury? I poured myself a tall glass of fresh milk and spun the chamber on my

wet socks were the least of my worries. The dryer lint had backed up so far into the vent that it shot out like a cannon ball. My backyard was fleecy gray to the horizon.