I was reading a book on my phone when an

I was reading a book on my phone when an interrupting phone call came through on my watch. "Crap" I smelled. It was my wife-in-law. She'd sat in some elephant pellets and needed

to share the olfactory experience with me. I regretted subscribing to full sensory transmission on my phone calls. I pretended to enjoy my wife-in-law's smell-o-gramm but

you know what, after 15 years married to the same woman she STILL never puts sugar in my tea. I texted my wife-in-law a curry fart. Now our wife's going to lose it again but she

admitted that I never had an insane sister, that it was me all along pretending to be my insane sister. But I'm not insane. I just really know what it looks like inside your head.

I only wet myself on camera as part of the act. Now I don rectangular spectacles, meaning I'm a wholly changed person. I can reveal your own inner fears to you like a badass Liam

king of guy would do, only gently, so you'd know you were not to blame for your fears. Then you would fall into my arms, sobbing with relief that you were understood, and my specs

would shine with wisdom untold as you stared up at me, eyes wet with dewdrop tears and the promise of mutual comfort. I would tell you not to blame yourself, none of this was

your fault. Still, fault or no fault, I was not going to reveal to you the hidden magic panties. They were no ordinary magic panties, mind you. The Sacred Skid Mark of Life was on

the inner back waistband. I asked Pa why the skid mark was there, and he told me a story of passion, ass whooping, and unabridged carnal obnoxiousness, which sailed over my head.