Having just been released from Guantanamo

Having just been released from Guantanamo without charges, Usama was just trying to start over by driving a cab in New York City. Who would have thought that his first customer was

so smart. In fact, this guy answered every question to his destination! Osama was shocked, this was his favorite episode of "Cash Cab". He reached for his AK to celebrate, but

that's how I arrange my pristine taxodermied cadavers, I name them after people I think they'd most want to French kiss. Here is Obama, Osama and Orlando Jones. The staple

of my collection, of course, is John Stamos. I keep him in on the sofa in my lounge. Sometimes we watch CSI together, and he'll topple over on me and for a second I feel like

he's the only one who truly understands me. As he lies there, no more then a limp peice of celery, I realize that he, and only he alone can begin to grasp all my needs and wants.

A cool rest in the refrigerator alivens my soul and starchy body. How to get us both back onto the shelf. My limpless form was no use. I see the salvation arriving but no way to

feel it -- to experience the exquisite texture of freedom. I tire of my tortured existence -- and pray for the end to come swiftly.

I hold the obsidian knife over my head and observe how it glints in the midday sun. The years of waiting are nearly at an end. I will have my revenge.

I thrust it deep into last of the bratwurst. "See if he can make a sandwich now!" I chortled. All that was left was disappointing heals of stale pumpernickel.