The traitor stood with a match dangling precariously

The traitor stood with a match dangling precariously from his finger. The fumes from the gasoline were flaring up around it, marking the saturation building in the room.

But Jasper had already seen this episode of "24," so he clicked it off. The pasta machine came alive. It said in a raspy voice, "Gnocchi of death awaits you." He dug in the couch

in search of a weapon, but all he found between the cushions was spare change. And a paperclip. What good would that do against a now living pasta machine intent on his death?

Luckily, its cord kept it bound to a 6-foot radius of the plug in the wall, which meant escape was possible. But that also meant

we could tirelessly play maypole dance throughout the evening. Sean's penis with the 72" boot string tied around it

tended to attract undue tawdry attention, but dressed with blue ribbons and taffeta fabric squares, it lost it's at-first-glance-inappropriate appearance. The quilters volunteered

, moreover, to add a few azure, cobalt and navy blue ribbons for an even more evokative, albeit monochromatic, allure. Suddenly, Lt. Chris Dykeson lost all means of self-control &

added a green strand of ribbon as well. Then, Lt. Dykeson began running with scissors, screaming, "F--k the permanent record and the horse it came in on." Then he removed the cap

& gown, revealing Beatle Bailey underroos and a startlingly bad physique. Lt. Dykeson sealed his fate as he slipped on some confetti, the scissors went up in the air,