Legend tells that once, long ago, all five

Legend tells that once, long ago, all five continents were one, but the mighty staff of a lost god shattered them in anger, leaving only shards broken on the face of

the dark crystal. The gelflings had mad sex in a tropical sweaty puppet forest while wrinkled-nosed stoners walked real slow. Then there was the Oprah puppet with one eye who

found a guilty pleasure in watching herself in the mirror while she mumbled the same phrase over and over again:

"Calgon, take me away. Calgon, take me AWAY! CALGON, TAKE ME AWAYYYYYYYYY...". Unfortunately, Calgon did take her away, to a dark, shadowy place that wasn't all real, but was

the best her boyfriend Calgon could do on such short notice. He had erected a small lean-to in the bedroom, thrown a red shirt over the lamp, and was called it Calgon's Love Shack.

She was livid. How could he use THAT red shirt? It was her mother's. Wait, how did he find it? She hid it carefully behind the

, gesturing him back. Handing him an old gym bag, she told him "Get your old shit together and put it in here." She took the bag of coprolites and backed out the door. She fired

her colleague for making copies of his ass and forwarding them to everyone in the company. As he was heading out the door a newspaper floating in the wind hit him.

The headline read "Local man hit by newspaper." His blood ran cold as he realized this newspaper's news was always current. As a car hit him, the headline read "Local man dead."