Once upon a time there was a young girl who

Once upon a time there was a young girl who lived with her pet turtle. She loved her pet turtle more than anything else in the world. She was lucky because her pet turtle could

placed on her head as a darling pill box. Some commented that a live turtle was not in fashion this year but she didn't care. Soon, everyone was wearing live reptile accessories.

Crocs became too literal for comfort. But she didn't scale it back because she was thick-skinned. One day she even wore a leopard-skin coat composed of live leopards, as well as

panties made from a live platypus and a living sloth for her "cool eighties belt." She smelled like shit. I think she was trying to cover up the incredible, eye-watering stink from

her anus, given that she hadn't had a chance to shower since she worked ten-hour shifts. Up in the morning in time to get there, back home just in time to get some shut-eye. Work

and no play makes Jill a dank dame. And that she was. But Walt from accounting wasn't put off by her smell since he suffered from Anosmia. His erotic paperclip sculpture collection

the carpet. After Jill had calmed down and blown her nose she vowed never again to fall for a man as stretchy as Walt. In her mind elasticity now equalled unreliability and nothing

but a firm, stiff man would do. Jill didn't have to look for long. They seemed to be everywhere, in fact. The stiffer, the better.

The saloon doors swung open. The sun outlined the largest, stiffest man Jill had ever seen. He swaggered in, threw Jill over his meaty shoulder, & they rode off into the sunset.