10 out of 10 brands of toilet paper,

10 out of 10 brands of toilet paper,

have spectacularly failed the two square test. Crappy results indeed. I realized I had to take matters into my own hands. For obvious reasons, I needed a brand of toilet paper that

was four dimensional. What other way to cover a black hole? Regardless of the rift in space and time I was unwilling to surrender my fiber. I needed this and I needed it badly. Hel

l would freeze over before I gave up my daily dose of fiber. In fact, I took the whole bottle of Metamucil just now. Down the hatch it goes... into the black hole of my stomach

If my stomach is a black hole then my sphincter is a quasar. But when the sh*t hit the fan, I had no time to wax metaphysical. For every action there is a reaction, so when the jet

pack was offered to me, my reaction was to take it, kick it into gear and blast off leaving the horrible scene behind me. Speed. Altitude. Piercing the cloud layer I could finally

be free. But I wasn't alone. I flew into a cloud of painted lady butterflies migrating across the Sahara. My jet pack stuttered and failed! I fell, but then I was borne up again by

first person to order a Pikachu t-shirt made from their silk, but unfortunately had to wait hundreds of years for its arrival in the mail. "Dear Mr. Khan," the letter read, "We are

unable to fulfil your request because we do not carry the silk of imaginary creatures no matter their popularity." Khan knew, though, that the lawyers made them say that.