Little did Tomas know, pressing the "back"
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Little did Tomas know, pressing the "back" arrow on his media keyboard would spell certain doom for the tribe of caramel-coated gummi bears he had stashed in his left pants-pocket.
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But they knew. Chieftain Sugarbelly performed the sacred command-dance of the Haribo Tribe, which instructed, through the jiggles of his nubby candy arms, the warrior caste to
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coat themselves in icing and run through the forest of sprinkles. But they had to pass the Hot Tamale Test. The Goober girls would boil the Hot Tamales until it was moltant
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sugar confectionary. Andy handed me a stick of congealed beef. "Snap into a Slim Jim?" he offered me. Slim Jims usually made me nauseous. I was only a kid then. I accepted.
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I had read all the ads where they claimed that Slim Jim's are the 'only known cure for male spice loss'. So if this couldn't cure me from my nausea and overall nothingness, nothing
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would. But Slim Jims are difficult to choke down for an avowed vegan. The slurry of animal byproducts in stick form taunted him. But he needed the 'spice' to fill the void left by
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his mother's abandonment. One, two, three sickly bites of guilt and regret but, Oh Gods! Who knew Slim Jim's could be so good? He began gorging his meat-starved body
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. He started with a Slim Jim. Then two. Then he took 2 Slim Jims, stuffed them inside a sausage, wrapped them in bacon, deep fried the log and then rolled it in bacon bits.
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Oooooo-aaaaaah! His live food demonstration on QVC broke records. Gourmet Slim Jims came in three flavors Sausage & Bacon, Bourbon Chocolate, and (the most popular of all),
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PinkBubblegum Explosion. Phone lines lit up like a prison! Stay At Home Moms from all over were ordering these jerky treats, not knowing they were made by 3 year olds in China.
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- Started
- 2011-04-29 18:56:55
- Finished
- 2012-11-16 10:34:35
4 Comments
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49erFaithful Nov 16 2012 @ 13:28
I didn't know ya'll were into the serious gourmet sh*t.
PurpleProf Nov 16 2012 @ 18:01
Sloppy Jims Ingredients: 1 can of rinsed and drained black beans 1 Extra Large ('Monster' sized) Slim Jim (chopped and boiled in beer or another liquid then minced) 1/4 cup tomato sauce 3 Tbsp brown sugar 1 heaping teaspoon of yellow mustard pepper to taste With a fork, smash 1/2 of the can of beans until they are slightly chunky (but not completely smooth). In saucepan, add all ingredients and stir over medium heat until hot, not quite boiling, and until sugar is completely melted. Remove from heat and allow to sit 5 minutes. Serve on buns or toast as you would a "sloppy joe". Prep time: 25 minutes, with boiling of Slim Jim
Zetawilk Nov 17 2012 @ 23:14
Based on a true story when I ate a Slim Jim I got for Christmas and threw up.
Zetawilk Nov 17 2012 @ 23:15
I ate it the day I got it, by the way. Ugh, double posts are so untidy. :< Incidentally, why has everyone been cooking things in beer the last few decades? Are people not getting enough beer drinking it straight from the can and smashing the cans into their foreheads and then dumping the crushed can onto the floor of their trailer and then getting so piss drunk they start sucking out any spilled beer from the rug? I'm not an alcoholic, so I don't understand these things. :3