I hardly ever wore the dark blue Dockers

I hardly ever wore the dark blue Dockers that hung in my closet neglected until Easter Sunday or the three hours my father reserved for sobriety during my birthday dinner.

Dockers, Marona and Kirkland were the generic rags that I dressed nicely in, I had grown out of my "No Fear" shirts. But my cousin Archibald

just doesn't get business casual. Cousin Archibald is old school preppy, down to the classic white bucks. We had no choice but to go into the

Ralph Lauren outlet and humor Archie for a few while he picked up some polos and a braided leather belt. The shopping really tired us out so instead of

meeting up with Reggie, we headed over to the Malt Shop. That Bitch Veronica was there so of course Archie got all goo goo eyes. So I broke my malt glass and lacerated his jugular

. As his life force ebbed, Archie's goo goo eyes looked at me. "Juggie ... why?", he cried and slumped onto the bar. Veronica screamed, and I realized that all those years Archie

is! A Replicant!" Archie howled, his cry of anguish climbing octave by octave to a keening no human could have made. Suddenly, he lept at Jughead with murder in his robot eyes.

However, he failed to make note of the wooden beams used to keep the roof held together, and his metallic head connected with at least 7 of them in his leap.

The roof collapsed on his decapitated body. The city converted the building to his tomb, and installed a very stylish commemorative statue nearby.