True story: I was stopped at a light, really

True story: I was stopped at a light, really going for the gold. I had this crusty booger entrenched deep in the nasal fortress and when I plunged extra deep I scooped out

the part of my brain responsible for making rational decisions. My eyes came across a Burger King. "'Drive Thru'? Gladly." I hit the gas and plowed straight through the entrance

because I had had hooked my lawn mower to a gravity bong an hour earlier and my level of highness was Snoop to thirty-second power and a whopper just made total sense right now

-ish. Sure, I wasn't as high as Charlie Sheen, but like any stoner I was hallucinating giant talking animals trying to steal my house. So I rode my lawn mower to Burger King where

I ordered 10 cheeseburgers, 9 bags of fries, 8 onion rings, 7 milkshakes, 6 ketchup sachets, 5 cokes, 4 whoppers, 3 apple pies, 2 ice creams and 1 pickle. I loaded my lawn mower &

tied it all down with twist ties from the market. Then I hit the road. Pushing the food-laden lawn mower home turned out to be a harder prospect than I'd expected. Sweating like a

Pig, I arrived home just in time to learn the Tsar had finally allowed himself to be photographed. This was big news indeed! My mum was reading the daily newspaper at breakfast. A

huge spread of the Tsar covered the newspaper. This being the first photograph taken for public consumption, I was quite surprised that he didn't bother to comb his mullet. "What a

waste of space." he looked in disgust at the tsar's picture. "They could have added in a smaller picture of him in the news, but no!" he said as he started combing his mullet.

Moments later, aliens broke down the front door and carried him off into the woods, devouring every last hair.