Steve had learned through experience that

Steve had learned through experience that New Year's resolutions like losing weight and being faithful to his wife were unreasonable. He lowered the bar this year by resolving to

stop paying cocktail waitresses so much for their services. Steve felt all the stress of keeping New Years resolutions lifting from his conscience. He decided to test his resolve

and then decided against it. He had no resolve. None. He was like a sponge, adrift in whatever was going on around him. In order to keep any resolutions he would have isolate

the sponge thought. He doned the best kelp he could find and tried not to scare the women and children. The kelp was kind and didn't mind him going along for the escape of the

colossal squid. Its tentacles squelched and wriggled, white and jelly-like, slowly but surely reaching towards the sponge. The sponge's holes quivered in terror as it

approached. Sy-Fy's new epic "Sharktopus vs. the Sponge!" was to be longest TV movie ever! The action scenes alone went on for hours.

But dang if the show wasn't the most compelling production since Downton Abbey! My favorite part was when The Sponge almost strangled Sharktopus with a strand of seagrass. The show

, such characters and great suspension! I had wiped my calendar clean of everything but watching The Show. I bulked up with plenty of fast food, snacks, beer and candy. It was on!

But then, sadly, those jerks at the utility came and shut off my power. Darn it, I knew I should have paid my bill! Oh well, at least I had junk food.