John walked into a scary room and found a

John walked into a scary room and found a scary looking face.

It was his mirror. His face looked like it had been carved off by a diseased butcher. Put in a pinta. Beaten with hockey sticks and the resulting mess put back onto his head.

But he still felt plucky. Despite the insane carnage that was his face, he felt that tonight was going to be a good night. He smoothed his hair back and said, "Alright."

He'd even practiced his line in the mirror beforehand: "Are those space pants? Because your ass is out of this world." Yeah, he was ready. Hiking up his pants, he entered the club.

Hiking up his pants was really the wrong idea, as when he entered he saw that all the men's pants were hanging down to their knees, regardless of their belts. He cursed himself for

They fell on Spinoza's refutation of The Mustarders Stone: A case study in Mustard.

More usually known as the Mustonecromitron 200C, or the Book of Dead Mustards.

Condiment hexes are a tricky business. I was able to indentify 51 of the 57 sauce ingredients, but a mistranslation brought forth a Mayo Demon.

It took all the courage I could mustard to slay the mighty Mayo Demon, but I relished the victory. My wife Patty awaited as I returned to the Thousand Islands a hero.