Sam woke up to the sounds of birds chirping,

Sam woke up to the sounds of birds chirping, the sun was peeking through the drapes, blinding him. "Damn it, why does the sun have to be so annoying?" He slowly got out bed.

How would he spend the day? Well the sun was pretty annoying. He decided as he brushed his teeth that he would try to destroy the sun. That'd be exciting.

But how to destroy the sun? It was a giant ball of incandescent gas powered by nuclear fusion in its crushing interior. He reasoned that taking away the fuel ought to do the trick.

hen he stuck his finger into a power socket but that made his hair stand up straight like an anime character and chicks love guys who look like they came out of a cartoon. Then he

chopped off his own nose, but chicks love guys who don't smell. There was no way around it, women were going to fall for him no matter what he did. He even "turned" gay, but that

made him even more attractive to women because now he not only didn't smell, but he was a sexual challenge. He considered what he might have to cut off next, but ultimately, he

he realized the only way of achieving the ultimate level of attractiveness was never gonna be possible in his current body. This is was the start of his days as an apache helicopte

r mom, but it was slow going: no SUV, no kids, and a fairly sane worldview. Finally, Auntie Luna Maria explained that being too attractive would make him the black hole that ended

the world, the universe and worse, her social life. It seemed like a convoluted excuse to not have a family, but so far it was working. She closed her eyes and enjoyed the silence.