As I inched closer, I came to the slow realization

As I inched closer, I came to the slow realization that the bulldozer was headed my way. It wasn't just the thought of a painful death that struck me, it was the fact that FiFi was

driving the damn thing. I guess the new doggie treats for Christmas weren't getting it. A jackal's rage spun through her eyes as rabid foam leaked through her yellowing teeth.

Grandma was mad as hell and wasn't going to take it anymore. All the lurid stares, all the arrogant "ahems." She had been writing checks in the grocery store since before any

of them upstarts were twinkles in their grandpappy's eyes, and she wasn't going to stop now. She penned an elegant 7, then signed the check w/ deliberate slowness. Her eyes were

glued to her hands as she wrote out the check. The elderly grandmother finished the check for $0.07 in perfect penmanship, despite the fact that the octogenarian had lost

most of her arms, legs and tentacles during the Great War. The old lady had also scattered some across the oceans in a desperate attempt to help the jellyfish in their struggle for

independence from Sri Lanka. The Mormons then gathered in the dune buggy in case the Cartier became unstable. Papa then grabbed the

was to torture the tablet translator until he revealed Tutankhamun's 10,000 secrets. Titillated, I held onto the OhShit handle as we pushed the jalopy into the red.

But the wheels only spun in the Sinai sands. We went nowhere. Until the prof came over and explained that the car needed more weight. "Take 2 tablets, and call me in the morning."