He grew up in Reading, Ohio, the second of

He grew up in Reading, Ohio, the second of 12 children in a working-class Catholic family. His father ran a tavern where

the first & last sponsored Jello pudding wrestling match had taken place. The company had thought the pudding to be awarded a prize, but the chocolatey splatter masked their horror

The judges were on a lunch break from the court of appeals. This was how they got their rocks off. They didn't notice that referee was actually a clerk from the same department, so

he snuck back to his counter with the others never the wiser. Mr. Humpheries

got him into a suit and sent him to the Y. "Front of the square, then left at Derby. Get on the bus, and ride up to Ware. Weather is very suitable."

He arrived at the Y. His cell phone buzzed. He read the text. "i didnt say simon sez!" This LARP game was the crappiest one ever! Sighing, he walked back to

the bridge he lived under. He was sick of live action role playing and texting. He just wanted to go back to his normal toll-collecting life, and hang out with his doll collection.

Was that too much to ask? "I'm 40 now, so if I want to play with my dolls then I'll be damned if you get in my way!" He yelled at his mother. She spilled the tray of pizza pockets.

He felt good. He felt free from the shackles of indentured servitude. Picking up his pink backpack, he rose to his feet and headed for the door. He had finally won.