I counted the items in the small plastic

  • I counted the items in the small plastic bag again. "Nope. I have two bolts when I only need one bolt and I'm missing a small screw", I scanned the hieroglyphs in the instructions

  • but got nothing. "When did Swedish start being written in hieroglyphs?" I thought to myself as I started looking for a number to call. Was the bed a STRÅLANDE or a ÅFJÄRDEN? Only

  • Ikea knew. I was surrounded by planks & screws, tears & snot running down my face. Then a glint & embedded in some polystyrene, a huge emerald. I picked it up. It was transmitting

  • some kind of message...it was not an emerald afterall.It was some kind of kryptonite transmitter.I thought Superman was dead!Ikea ressurrected him?

  • I snatched the kryptonite from the quickly receding tide and pocketed it, vowing to resolve this matter with the CEO of Ikea: my own twin brother.

  • I hated my twin brother because he reminded me of myself. I hated myself. So then, I also hated him. Which meant that I also hated myself. It was a vicious cycle.

  • Maybe if I wasn't such a colossal ass my twin brother wouldn't be such a tremendous fartknocker. Then I wouldn't hate him, or me, so much. I decided to make a change.

  • According to the new astrological calendar, I could now consider myself a Taurus, which was ironically appropriate given the fact that my twin brother was such a bullsh**ter.

  • He shifted from bull to bull with a total disregard for team chemistry. Now the Rodeo was coming up and he'd be bein' bucked by some stranger bull. Jim 'n' I tried to stop him from

  • throwing his life away on the Rodeo jus' like that, but he never was any good for team chemistry, and just like he didn't listen to them bulls, he didn't listen to us.



  1. inatick May 20 2013 @ 22:40

    503 folds and the 3rd story I started complete. The CEO of Ikea doesn't listen to us. Yes that does sound like a lot of CEOs. We'd better pay the CEO a giant bonus.

  2. inatick May 20 2013 @ 22:42

    I wonder what the pay ratio is between the CEO and average Ikea employee

  3. PurpleProf May 20 2013 @ 23:05

    This story changed my life. No lie, I was just going to IKEA this week to help our daughter pick out some furniture for her new apt. and I thought about the likelihood of us sitting there, trying to assemble it with "tears and snot running down" our faces. I decided that was quite likely to happen b/c none of us are handy in our family. So we went to a local store, spent twice as much as I wanted on her furniture, but...no tears or snot, thanks to LucieLucie.

  4. lucielucie May 21 2013 @ 02:09

    Glad to help, PurpleProf. I'd never buy furniture from a shop run by twin fartknockers.

  5. 49erFaithful May 21 2013 @ 12:13

    Lolol. Words to live by Lucie!

  6. Chaz May 22 2013 @ 17:27

    I was down-graded from Rodeo Cowboy to Rodeo Clown to Rodeo Bull-Shifter...

  7. mensaque May 26 2013 @ 14:04

    Top fold,uau!But why is my score so low?(Not that I care...)Because I've kinda killed Superman?! Maybe.

  8. lucielucie May 26 2013 @ 15:34

    Never kill Superman, mensaque, it'll always cost you points : )

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